Garrett Robinson is the author of five different series including: Non Zombie, Hit Girls, Ninjabread Man, The Touch Trilogy, and Midrealm.
He also runs three podcasts including: The Story Telling Podcast, Game Of Geeks, and We Make Movies.
You can find out more about him and his books here: www.garrettbrobinson.com
"Welcome to the Writers Roundtable," Charles Sinclair said, in his krikey be damned Aussie accent. "The show that's a parody of a parody that features a co host of one of the shows we're parodying."
"Watch it Charles, you're going to confuse our listeners," Cristy Ross replied.
"I thought we'd made all our listeners into co hosts already," Don Ward To The Wise added.
"Has anyone noticed that this show is just one big clusterfuck?" Wade Fineagain asked.
"Yeah. Except without the fucking," Charles said.
"That'll come later in the post show party which I'll be too busy ranting about organized religion to take part in," David W. Wrong joked.
"Hey Bill, you're awfully quiet over there. Aren't you going to say anything?" Don asked.
"You can't make me talk. This isn't Toastmasters International," Bill Prowess said.
"Alright, why don't we get on topic before this train derails any further and the government notices I'm podcasting on the job," Charles insisted.
"Oh come on. We don't do topics on this show. We just make random sex jokes and read internet comments responding to the sex jokes we just made," Wade remarked.
"Bill, do you have anything to say about that?" Don asked.
Bill pulled his head out of the clouds. "Oh sorry. I was too caught up reading the internet comments to listen to what you were saying."
"By the way, is there anything good in the comments?" Cristy wondered.
"Why would there be? Human beings should die in a bonfire of their own ineptitude," Dave ranted.
"Does anyone else think that Dave would make a great high school guidance counselor?" Wade joked.
"I hate you all," Dave muttered to himself.
"You know, if we're going to be wasting each others time, I could go back to writing one of the fifteen books I've been working on," Charles said.
"By the way, are you any closer to publishing any of them?" Don asked.
"Perfection takes time," Charles insisted.
"But I thought you were writing dinosaur erotica," Bill blurted out.
Everyone in the roundtable laughed except Charles, who instead looked quizzically at Bill.
"Why would you think that?" Charles asked.
"Well, that's what they're saying on the comments," Bill replied.
"Can we all stop paying attention to the internet comments please?" Charles urged. Charles then looked at a comment himself and got excited. "Oooh, one of the commenters thinks I have a sexy accent." Charles began typing. "How about some thunder down under?"
"Can someone please save this show?" Christy asked.
"Humanity can't be saved. We're all just headed on a downward spiral to disaster," Dave grumbled.
Don shook his head. "I feel like I'm trapped in a David Wrong/Jon Platt book."
"That doesn't make sense. There aren't any children in jeopardy," Wade said.
"And I'm not screaming at my screen over a damn cliffhanger ending," Cristy added.
"Not to mention they're just so fucking bleak. It makes the apocalypse look like a field trip to the zoo," Don said.
"I used to hate field trips. They were just another excuse to have to use my decoy wallet. Now the apocalypse, now that's something to look forward to," Dave said.
"Great. Dave has a boner for the apocalypse. Go figure," Charles deadpanned.
The roundtable then noticed they hadn't heard from Bill in a while.
"Wait. Did anyone see where Bill went?" Wade wondered, not seeing him onscreen anywhere.
"I think Bill decided to go start training for another marathon," Don said.
"Well, he's not missing anything," Wade replied.
"Actually, I think this is one of our better shows," Cristy pointed out.
"I feel sorry for our listeners. I'll be giving out free lobotomy's after the show," Dave insisted.
Charles then tried to corral the group. "Alright, does anyone want to do any talking about writing?"
Everyone just shrugged their shoulders though.
"I don't know, it's getting kind of late. I have kids to edumacate at school tomorrow," Wade said.
"Yeah. Besides, I can't think of any more dick jokes to make," Don added.
Dave put the final nail in the coffin though. "Let's just put this show out of its misery. I have some finger lickers to rant about on another show I'm co hosting," Dave said.
At the same time, I've always been a huge fan of Mad Magazine and considered parody to be one of the best forms of flattery. So I decided to write a little parody of The Story Telling Podcast. Here it is:
"Den Of Dorks Pocast Episode Number 21," Jarrett Robinson said.
Jarrett had a deep, booming voice. The kind of voice you could fall in love with, you know, if you were into falling in love with the sound of your own voice--which Jarett definitely was. But Jarrett was more than just in love with his voice. He was the kind of geek that believed if you couldn't juggle a hundred things at once, it wasn't worth doing anything at all. He could write three book series while making a movie while raising two kids while putting another bun in his wife's oven while leaving a voicemail for the SPP podcast all from the comfort of his podcasting closet. And that was just before his first power nap.
His charismastically cherubic cohost DC Bulges operated differently though. DC liked boobs and writing children's fiction. Not particularly in that order. And definitely not at the same time. DC liked to do his broacasts right outside the bathroom at his workplace, the perfect place to show off his bathroom humor of casual dick jokes and rampant profanity. DC was about more than just having a ready made porn name though. He liked tweeting random celebrities, having a fiance while having no set plans for a wedding day, and kickstarting the shit out of life. Of course he always had room for boobs too, not to mention correcting Jarrett.
DC interjected to Garrett's intro. "Uh, dude--this is the Telling Stories Podcast."
"Oh--right," Jarrett replied. "I'm just hosting so many so podcasts that I can't keep track of them all."
"You should start a new podcast on effective methods of multitasking," DC joked.
Jarrett deflected. "Why don't I just play the show intro?"
"That's probably not a good idea considering we still haven't updated it since we lost our girly girl cohost," DC replied.
"I've been a little busy man," Jarrett said.
"Dude, she left two months ago," DC insisted.
"Too be fair, I did just crank out eighty thousand words on Helm Sweepers in the last two days," Jarrett declared.
"Slacker," DC joked.
"I know. I was hoping for a hundred thousand words, but it's hard to get anything done--what with a pregnant wife and two kids running around the house," Jarrett said.
"Still, 80k is fairly respectable...kind of. Dare I say you were busier than Manny Calloway trying to solve a puzzle house," DC remarked.
"There it is folks, blatant self promo number one of the day," Jarrett replied.
"Then again a Ninjabread Maniac could have cranked out the full hundred thousand words," DC continued.
"How do you like that? Self promo number two. Got anything more in there?" Jarrett asked.
"Nah. I wouldn't want to promote myself too much," DC deadpanned.
DC and Jarrett then both broke out into laughter.
"But speaking of the co hosting situation, we are still actively searching. We'll be sure to give you an update in the next ten to twelve years, give or take," Jarrett announced.
"In the meantime if you have big knockers and want to be our co host, send a picture of those can's to me @DCBulges," DC said.
"DC, you know I'm looking for a feminist cohost," Jarrett argued.
"What, are you saying you can't be a feminist and have big juggs at the same time?" DC replied.
"Why don't we move on to the news of the week?" Jarrett suggested. "So DC, what's new with you?"
"Well, I've decided to take the advice of one of our listeners--" DC started saying.
"Wait, we have listeners?" Jarrett replied.
"And surprisingly it wasn't even Charles Sinclair," DC commented.
"Ok, so what advice did you take?" Jarrett asked.
"I'm going to start a kickstarter campaign to pay for my last parking ticket," DC revealed.
Jarrett shook his head in disbelief. "Is there anything you won't kickstart?"
DC thought long and hard. "I don't know. A colonoscopy, maybe. Although I've heard those butt doctors are pretty expensive, so maybe that would be worth giving a kickstart."
"Thank God David W. Wrong doesn't listen to this show. He'd rip into you like you were a finger licker ready to spread a buffet of bacteria," Jarrett warned.
"Like he has to worry. He can afford an artisan colonoscopy with all the royalties he's been getting from the Tomorrow's Fucked series," DC said.
"And speaking of David W. Wrong, you can catch him ripping into Agents of Snark on the Den Of Dorks Podcast with me every week," Jarrett said.
"Who's the self promoter now?" DC joked.
"Why don't we get into the main topic now, which is...self promotion. And why is this our topic? Because we're awesome at it," Jarrett said.
"Hell yeah. If you haven't heard, we have a book out. It's called Helm Sweepers. It's better than riding a unicorn through a typhoon of awesome sauce," DC touted.
"Look, I know some people think we talk about our mind blowing too much. But that's only because they're the best things in the history of the universe," Jarrett said.
"Besides, it's not like anyone's going to do this marketing shit for us," DC added. "Although how great would it be if I could get a kickstarter going to hire a publicist for us?"
Jarrett groaned. "DC--"
"Right. Well then go buy our books people. Don't make me spam your inbox with kickstarter pleas, because I'll do it," DC warned.
"Alright. And now that we've established that we are writing Gods without equal, what should we cover next?" Jarrett wondered.
"Isn't it about that time for the technical difficulty of the week?" DC asked.
"Oh yeah. We're long overdue," Jarrett realized admitted.
"Or who knows, maybe it won't this week at...," DC started saying. Then--silence.
"Uh, DC...DC," Jarrett called out.
But DC had conectile dysfunction.
"Dammit, spoke too soon. Well, I guess this is as good a time to sign off as any," Jarrett said. "Before I go though, Helm Sweepers is out, you should buy it, it's awesome. And if you don't buy it, I hope you die of chlamydia. Goodnight everyone."