At the same time, I've always been a huge fan of Mad Magazine and considered parody to be one of the best forms of flattery. So I decided to write a little parody of The Story Telling Podcast. Here it is:
"Den Of Dorks Pocast Episode Number 21," Jarrett Robinson said.
Jarrett had a deep, booming voice. The kind of voice you could fall in love with, you know, if you were into falling in love with the sound of your own voice--which Jarett definitely was. But Jarrett was more than just in love with his voice. He was the kind of geek that believed if you couldn't juggle a hundred things at once, it wasn't worth doing anything at all. He could write three book series while making a movie while raising two kids while putting another bun in his wife's oven while leaving a voicemail for the SPP podcast all from the comfort of his podcasting closet. And that was just before his first power nap.
His charismastically cherubic cohost DC Bulges operated differently though. DC liked boobs and writing children's fiction. Not particularly in that order. And definitely not at the same time. DC liked to do his broacasts right outside the bathroom at his workplace, the perfect place to show off his bathroom humor of casual dick jokes and rampant profanity. DC was about more than just having a ready made porn name though. He liked tweeting random celebrities, having a fiance while having no set plans for a wedding day, and kickstarting the shit out of life. Of course he always had room for boobs too, not to mention correcting Jarrett.
DC interjected to Garrett's intro. "Uh, dude--this is the Telling Stories Podcast."
"Oh--right," Jarrett replied. "I'm just hosting so many so podcasts that I can't keep track of them all."
"You should start a new podcast on effective methods of multitasking," DC joked.
Jarrett deflected. "Why don't I just play the show intro?"
"That's probably not a good idea considering we still haven't updated it since we lost our girly girl cohost," DC replied.
"I've been a little busy man," Jarrett said.
"Dude, she left two months ago," DC insisted.
"Too be fair, I did just crank out eighty thousand words on Helm Sweepers in the last two days," Jarrett declared.
"Slacker," DC joked.
"I know. I was hoping for a hundred thousand words, but it's hard to get anything done--what with a pregnant wife and two kids running around the house," Jarrett said.
"Still, 80k is fairly respectable...kind of. Dare I say you were busier than Manny Calloway trying to solve a puzzle house," DC remarked.
"There it is folks, blatant self promo number one of the day," Jarrett replied.
"Then again a Ninjabread Maniac could have cranked out the full hundred thousand words," DC continued.
"How do you like that? Self promo number two. Got anything more in there?" Jarrett asked.
"Nah. I wouldn't want to promote myself too much," DC deadpanned.
DC and Jarrett then both broke out into laughter.
"But speaking of the co hosting situation, we are still actively searching. We'll be sure to give you an update in the next ten to twelve years, give or take," Jarrett announced.
"In the meantime if you have big knockers and want to be our co host, send a picture of those can's to me @DCBulges," DC said.
"DC, you know I'm looking for a feminist cohost," Jarrett argued.
"What, are you saying you can't be a feminist and have big juggs at the same time?" DC replied.
"Why don't we move on to the news of the week?" Jarrett suggested. "So DC, what's new with you?"
"Well, I've decided to take the advice of one of our listeners--" DC started saying.
"Wait, we have listeners?" Jarrett replied.
"And surprisingly it wasn't even Charles Sinclair," DC commented.
"Ok, so what advice did you take?" Jarrett asked.
"I'm going to start a kickstarter campaign to pay for my last parking ticket," DC revealed.
Jarrett shook his head in disbelief. "Is there anything you won't kickstart?"
DC thought long and hard. "I don't know. A colonoscopy, maybe. Although I've heard those butt doctors are pretty expensive, so maybe that would be worth giving a kickstart."
"Thank God David W. Wrong doesn't listen to this show. He'd rip into you like you were a finger licker ready to spread a buffet of bacteria," Jarrett warned.
"Like he has to worry. He can afford an artisan colonoscopy with all the royalties he's been getting from the Tomorrow's Fucked series," DC said.
"And speaking of David W. Wrong, you can catch him ripping into Agents of Snark on the Den Of Dorks Podcast with me every week," Jarrett said.
"Who's the self promoter now?" DC joked.
"Why don't we get into the main topic now, which is...self promotion. And why is this our topic? Because we're awesome at it," Jarrett said.
"Hell yeah. If you haven't heard, we have a book out. It's called Helm Sweepers. It's better than riding a unicorn through a typhoon of awesome sauce," DC touted.
"Look, I know some people think we talk about our mind blowing too much. But that's only because they're the best things in the history of the universe," Jarrett said.
"Besides, it's not like anyone's going to do this marketing shit for us," DC added. "Although how great would it be if I could get a kickstarter going to hire a publicist for us?"
Jarrett groaned. "DC--"
"Right. Well then go buy our books people. Don't make me spam your inbox with kickstarter pleas, because I'll do it," DC warned.
"Alright. And now that we've established that we are writing Gods without equal, what should we cover next?" Jarrett wondered.
"Isn't it about that time for the technical difficulty of the week?" DC asked.
"Oh yeah. We're long overdue," Jarrett realized admitted.
"Or who knows, maybe it won't this week at...," DC started saying. Then--silence.
"Uh, DC...DC," Jarrett called out.
But DC had conectile dysfunction.
"Dammit, spoke too soon. Well, I guess this is as good a time to sign off as any," Jarrett said. "Before I go though, Helm Sweepers is out, you should buy it, it's awesome. And if you don't buy it, I hope you die of chlamydia. Goodnight everyone."